In just a few days I will become a mom. I’m exhausted, scared and overwhelmed. So I wrote a letter to my son.
Hi! Welcome to this world. I’m your momma and regardless of the next things I’m going to share with you, me and your daddy can’t wait to meet you. We love you so much. But mom is tired, scared and exhausted.
I’ve been preparing myself for the possibility of having to have a c-section from the start of the pregnancy but privately wishing that we didn’t need to. I prepared myself for the pain, thought about the way I wanted things to go regarding epidural and even learned the hypnobirthing breathing techniques. But never really wished to prepare for the case I had to make yet another mark in my body.
Yes, I know it is stupid, but I have had appendicitis’s when I was 8 and have a mark which it’s less and less visible with the years (well, 20 years is a long time, anyway). Growing up with this mark was not so difficult since I was too young to really let that get to me, but I always knew I would prefer not to have a c-section so I didn’t have to deal with the possibility of having another new mark in my body.
And the second and more real reason is the fear I have of complications. I think there isn’t a mom who didn’t have this fear before giving birth and I know complications can occur regardless of the birth chosen, but I’m scared. And wanted to have the less probability possible of that, at least to get my anxiety levels controlled until the day.
I know these are all things that I should not think about, but I wanted to be real here for a second, so you know the truth behind the cute photos of all pregnant ladies: the last couple of weeks/days of pregnancy are hard.
I can’t sleep. I have heartburn most of my day. I had to cut coffee to be able to feel a little bit better at least in the mornings. My eyes hurt because I don’t rest them enough (because I can’t sleep). I can’t find a good position to lie in bed or on the couch. (Your awesome dad even suggested getting the rocking chair to the bedroom so I could sleep on it, God bless him <3). I’m anxious because I want you to decide for yourself to come out when you’re ready and have at least a try at a natural birth. I’m anxious because I don’t know how I’m going to feel after birth and am afraid of post-partum depression.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m ready for post-partum. I’m so ready for meeting you. So ready! And your dad. And your uncle. And your grandmas and grandpas. Your whole family. I’m ready for post-partum and getting back on my usual diet, for getting back to having energy and being able to work out. For getting on walks with you. And to have some form of position to sleep.
I’m excited about our post-partum.
But previous cases of anxiety can increase the possibility of post-partum depression and I’m wishing more than everything that this isn’t true for me, but you only really know when you’re there. And I’m scared.
But I know I have a good support system and that everything is going to be ok. And I’m going to be able to meet you in just a few more days. And that, with a little bit more of sleep, gets me so excited.
Come on little baby, we are waiting for you and can’t wait to meet you!